The Oscars are stupid. We pay attention to them because we’re told that they matter. They don’t. There is practically no correlation between the movies that the Academy chooses to celebrate and those that stand the test of time. If that were the case, you would have never heard of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Raging Bull, Pulp Fiction, Goodfellas, Saving Private Ryan or Citizen Kane, all Best Picture losers. If you’re a film nerd like me, you watch the Oscars because it’s one of the only ways mainstream culture talks about and engages with the medium. In the back of our minds, we all feel dirty about it. We know that the objectification of a subjective art form is evil and that this glitzy pageant is our way of coping with the slow death of feature filmmaking. For now, we persist.
Here’s my annual list of scarily accurate Oscar predictions. Twenty-four categories, most of which will be dominated by these two, all of which will be forgotten about by next week. Will this be the year I achieve 100 status? For those keeping score at home, I have two words.
Best Picture: La Land Land
Best Director: Damien Chazelle, La La Land
Best Actor: Denzel Washington, Fences
Best Actress: Emma Stone, La La Land
Best Supporting Actor: Mahershala Ali, Moonlight
Best Supporting Actress: Viola Davis, Fences
Best Original Screenplay: La La Land
Best Adapted Screenplay: Moonlight
Best Animated Feature: Kubo and the Two Strings
Best Foreign Language Film: The Salesman
Best Documentary Feature: O.J.: Made in America
Best Cinematography: La La Land
Best Editing: La La Land
Best Costume Design: Jackie
Best Makeup and Hairstyling: Star Trek Beyond
Best Production Design: La La Land
Best Visual Effects: The Jungle Book
Best Original Score: La La Land
Best Original Song: “City of Stars” from La La Land
Best Sound Editing: Arrival
Best Sound Mixing: La La Land
Best Live Action Short: Ennemis Intérieurs
Best Animated Short: Piper
Best Documentary Short: The White Helmets
Smartest guy in the room, dumbest guy outside of it.
